Approaches & Techniques to Healing from Betrayal Trauma Part 1
As many of you know, I experienced betrayal trauma during the disclosure of my husband's pornography addiction and everything that came with it. Thankfully, with hard work from both of us, I've healed, and he has been sober for over a decade.
When most people hear the term betrayal trauma, they think of a breach of trust in a marriage. But betrayal trauma can happen in many relationships—partnerships, families, friendships, even workplaces—anywhere trust has been deeply established.
This trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or even physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that healing is possible, and there are different approaches to guide you on your journey. Here are some of them for you to consider in no particular order:
Approaches to Healing
Individual Therapy
This was pivotal in my healing. It took me a few tries to find the right therapist who was a good fit for me, but once I did, it was a game changer. It was like she knew I needed to be called out and pushed at the same time, but she did it with a tough-love approach, and I loved her for that. She also worked on a sliding scale, which was awesome.
Trauma-Informed Therapy
She was trained in Trauma-Informed therapy, and she gave me that safe space I needed to process my feelings at my pace and made me feel heard. She taught me how to process my triggers without getting swallowed in them. She helped me navigate my PTSD, and eventually, I healed from my trauma and became a better version of who I was before I walked into her office.
She was in recovery, too, so she helped me get to the root cause of my addiction. when I was ready, we brought my husband in, and we worked on our relationship using the three recovery concept.
She was trained in these modalities:
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): This helps identify and reframe negative thinking and thought patterns.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): This addresses trauma by processing memories and reducing emotional triggers.
Somatic Experiencing: This focuses on releasing trauma stored in the body.
I didn't use somatic experiencing, but we worked together using CBT and EMDR. I loved CBT! It really helped with the anxiety and depression I was experiencing from the PTSD symptoms of betrayal trauma. Challenging thoughts was one of my favorites.
The other counselors I tried didn't seem to understand that I was trying to make my marriage work. I knew that my relationship dynamic was fucked up. What I wanted to learn was how unfuck it. The other counselors kept leaning toward leaving, and I wasn't in that mindset. I'm glad I kept looking for someone who was a good fit for me.
Marriage Counselors/Couple's Therapy
Right after my first disclosure, we started going to a marriage counselor. He was a good guy, but he had zero understanding of addiction, especially pornography addiction and SLAA. He kept wanting my husband to explain "why" he had done the things he had done. WHY, WHY, WHY??? My husband couldn't answer the question at the time. He could barely wrap his head around the fact that he had an addiction.
After the second disclosure, we realized that while the marriage counselor was good at his job, he brought us as far as he could and started causing more harm than good. We found a CSAT. My husband saw him while I went on my search for my own counselor. Oddly enough, my search ended in the same office as my husband's CSAT.
When we started seeing my counselor for couple's therapy, she helped us identify our relationship dynamics. She helped us understand attachment styles. These are learned in childhood. The saying, "The opposite of addiction is connection," is based on this theory:
Secure attachment: People with this attachment style believe that the people close to them can be relied upon and trusted. They're comfortable with intimacy and self-sufficiency.
Avoidant attachment: People with this attachment style are uncomfortable with people being close to them. They fear intimacy and tend to be non-confrontational, emotionally distant, and aloof.
Anxious attachment: People who have this attachment style fear abandonment from others. They may be clingy, insecure, sensitive to other people's moods, and have poor boundaries.
Disorganized attachment: This attachment style usually develops when someone is avoidant and anxious. It usually happens because of childhood trauma.
She also taught us how to communicate correctly and pause during a disagreement. We learned how to turn toward each other during challenging moments.
Support Groups
I cannot express this enough—trying to heal alone was one of my biggest mistakes. I went to a 12-step meeting right after my husband's second disclosure, heard something I didn't like (because it was true and I wasn't ready to hear it), and didn't go back—for almost a year.
During that time, my hypervigilance became increasingly worse, which made my triggers worse, which made my negative thinking worse, and my anxiety worse. It was a horrendous cycle. I surrounded myself with negative people who encouraged my negative behaviors. It was a nightmare.
Finally, I went back to 12-steps. From there, I went to support groups and other support networks. Having a healthy Healing Hive around me made such a big difference in moving me forward in my healing and reminding me that I wasn't alone. It gave me the courage to let go of my boundary agreement, release the need to control, and lean into forgiveness of myself and others.
There are many support groups you can use to build your community. Here are a few:
If you decide not to include a support group in your Healing Hive, please include a Healing Hive in your healing journey. This can be a trusted friend, counselor, life coach, pastor, or anyone you feel you can confide in safely. You can also find more Resources here.
This is part one. Part two will be available on Wednesday.
If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails unless you’re a solicitor.
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
If you reach out, please be patient. I’m not a life coach anymore because of my health issues.
