APPROACHES & TECHNIQUES TO HEALING FROM BETRAYAL TRAUMA PART 2
Today, we continue our conversation about betrayal trauma. The first post was published on Monday. This trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or even physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that healing is possible, and there are different approaches to guide you on your journey. Here are some more of them for you to consider in no particular order:
Techniques to Healing
Boundaries
As you already know, this is one of my favorite topics because I was terrible at them. I mistook control for boundaries, but that's not how it works. When we create healthy, proper boundaries from a place of healing and not control, this can help us feel safe and reduce our anxiety.
We used a written boundary agreement immediately after disclosure. Not everyone does that. Eventually, I realized it was okay to talk things over rather than carry out repercussions if things didn't go as expected. As I healed from the trauma, I was ready to let it go. A written boundary agreement may be helpful, but it should be relied on only for a short time if you choose to use one.
Ideas for Setting Boundaries
Identify your needs
Communicate respectfully
Be clear
Be realistic
Be flexible
Self-care
Remember to take care of yourself during the healing process, too. One of my favorite sayings is, "Self-care isn't selfish." Supporting a loved one in recovery can be emotionally draining, so prioritize your own mental health. Engage in activities that nurture you:
Exercise
Hobbies
Mindfulness
Meditation
Yoga
Painting
Drawing
Music
Write letters that you don't send
Spend time with friends
Join a support group to create your healing hive, connect with others in similar situations, and learn additional coping skills.
Books and Educational Resources
Reading books, attending workshops, and visiting blogs about betrayal trauma can provide insight, tools, and validation and remind you you're not alone on this journey. I remember how isolating it felt. When this happened to me, there weren't as many books and resources available as they are now, and I'm so grateful things have changed. Never give up hope because you can heal! Here are some books you may find helpful:
"The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes (understanding trauma bonds). My husband's CSAT was trained by Carnes, and my counselor was trained by his CSAT.
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (infidelity recovery). This is an amazing book to help your partner understand personal boundaries. One of my favorites.
"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk (trauma-focused).
Accountability
If you decide to stay with your partner or are trying to determine if you will stay, you may want to consider implementing some accountability practices. I was lucky; my husband was willing to do whatever it took to repair the damage he'd done, took full accountability, and was remorseful. Not every partner does that. Still, I had one foot in and one out of my marriage for a while. Partly because I wasn't doing anything to promote my healing but also because I was so hyper-focused on him. I couldn't figure out a way to let it go. This is where a community of my peers would've helped immensely.
It also helped that my husband was open to accountability practices. Some of the things we used:
Check-in conversations. These kept me from spiraling. In the beginning, we did them a few times a week. They lasted about fifteen minutes or so. As I healed, the less we needed them. Here's an acronym that may help you:
H
Honesty: Each person shares openly and honestly about their recovery and healing. This is an opportunity to share about setbacks without fear and judgment.
HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired): You can also share triggers if each person wants to hear about them. The partner may not want to know because hearing them may be triggering.
Humbleness: The tone of the conversation needs to be humble, calm, and a safe space to share freely.
E
Emotions: will be shared next. Avoid basic emotions like happy, mad, sad, and dig deeper like resentful, hurt, frustrated, scared, etc. If you need help, you use an emotions wheel.
A
Apologies: If you've done something wrong, now is the perfect opportunity to apologize.
Action steps: Share what action steps each of you wants to take, such as attending a support group, meeting, or counseling.
Affirm your partner, "I appreciate how much work you've done on your recovery this week."
L
Letting go: What are some things you've been hanging onto that you can work on letting go of?
Listening: Make sure you're practicing active listening as you listen to each other. There should be no distractions, which means cell phones should be on silent, with no interruptions. Maintain eye contact and practice empathy. If you're new to healthy communication, it may help to repeat or rephrase what your partner says to make sure you understand what they said. For example, "So you're saying you felt left out when that happened?"
Transparency with Electronics
Before disclosure, I had no idea what my husband's passwords were to anything. That all changed after disclosure. I had his passwords to all of his devices and email accounts, and he got rid of his social media accounts until he was in a better place in his recovery. I could ask him for his phone any time I felt the need, which was rare, and he gave it to me, no questions asked.
Recovery
I've talked about this before; I believe that each person has a right to recover in their own way. Whether through meetings, harm reduction, or counseling, it's whatever works for them. At the same time, their partner also has the right to decide whether they agree with their partner's recovery approach. If they don't, they have to determine if they have to move away from the relationship or take some time away.
Space
After my second disclosure, I took my kids home for a while. This gave me the time and space to think about what I wanted. My husband honored that time away and didn't put any pressure on me while I was away. I chose to heal while I stayed at home. Other people heal away from each other. You'll know what works best for your healing journey.
Healing from betrayal trauma is a deeply personal journey, and no one approach fits everyone. You do what works best for you!
If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails unless you’re a solicitor.
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
If you reach out, please be patient. I’m not a life coach anymore because of my health issues.
