The Concept of Us meant that we found our independence again. Because my relationship with my husband had evolved over the years. It went from enmeshment with each other, to a parent-child relationship, and finally to a healthy dynamic, but we couldn’t have done that without a healthy sense of self.

We both needed to remember how to stand on our own two feet emotionally. We needed to be strong, healthy individuals so we could be a strong, healthy team.

I didn’t need my husband’s approval to make me feel whole. Nor did he need my validation for him to feel emotionally satisfied. That can only come from within each of us. When we were each on a path toward healing, we could be two healthy individuals who stood side by side moving together toward the same goal: a healthy marriage. Even when we weren’t traveling at the same speed, the objective was still the same.

We found what worked for us was having three recoveries in our marriage: mine, his, and then ours. This allowed us to focus on ourselves and it gave me the time I needed to heal from my trauma before trying to repair the relationship immediately. This way, I could take things a bit slower if I needed to that day, week, or month without feeling a ton of pressure. Lord knows I needed quite a while to process my emotions so any gift of time I could get, I grabbed.

This concept may not be a good fit for you and what you’re going through now and that’s okay. This is your journey and you know what will work best for you and your relationship if you’re in one.

I want you to find your version of a Marriage 2.0 and if you find you need to walk away, my hope is that you will find inner peace on your own path. We all deserve that.