Relational Trauma: Healing Tips

So, you’ve been through the wringer—relational trauma, betrayal, addiction, and the emotional equivalent of walking barefoot on broken glass while swallowing fire. Healing isn’t just a straight path; it’s a zigzag of breakthroughs, setbacks, and the occasional “WHAT THE F IS HAPPENING?” moment.

Let’s walk through the key healing tips—minus the sugarcoating but with a bit of humor to keep us sane. This is the first in the series.

I’m not done with my addiction trigger series; I just wanted to break things up a bit since I’ve been on both sides of the addiction coin: the addict and the loved one of an addict.

Breaking Through Denial (a.k.a. Admitting That Shit’s Not Okay)

First things first—denial can feel comfy, like your favorite jammies. But at some point, you gotta take them off and face reality. Maybe you realized your partner’s behavior wasn’t just “a phase.” Perhaps you saw that your patterns—keeping secrets, avoiding hard conversations, tiptoeing around the truth—weren’t working exactly.

Denial is a sneaky bitch. It can make you believe that “protecting” your family (or your sanity) is noble when, really, you’re just shielding the dysfunction. Once you call it out—BOOM. You can finally start dealing with what’s actually happening instead of what you wish was happening.

Some of the things I denied before my instincts finally screamed they’d had enough:

• He was isolating from me, my family, and our friends

• I was isolating from everyone, even from extended family and friends

• The amount of pornography my husband consumed was way too much

• I was not allowing our children into the bedroom for fear they would see pornography

• I was putting my husband’s needs above my own

• I was going against my core values and beliefs

• I had lost my voice

Are you in denial? If so, it’s okay! The first step is acknowledging it, and that’s something to be proud about. After you’ve recognized you’re in denial, you can start writing down when you see signs of your concerns and get educated about your loved one’s addiction.

Understanding the Nature of the Addiction (Without Letting It Define You)

When you’re hit with the reality of addiction (whether yours or someone else’s), the first instinct is usually, “Okay, what F is this?” Then comes research mode—books, support groups, podcasts, late-night Google spirals. Knowledge is power, but it can also be overwhelming.

The key? Find resources that validate your experience. One book that helped me was Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. Reading it felt like getting a hug from women I’d never met. Understanding the trauma responses—nightmares, anxiety, flashbacks—helped me realize I wasn’t losing my mind. I was healing from something real.

Find what works for you. Whatever it may be—books, podcasts, forums—as long as they are healthy and support a positive mindset, understanding the emotions you’re experiencing and the addiction your loved one is going through can help you navigate what can sometimes be an unpredictable world.

If you want, you can take a moment now to consider what medium works best for you: audio or visual. Then, after you’re done here, you can look up additional resources.

Surrender to the Process

Look, if control was an Olympic sport, some of us would have gold medals. Letting go sounds great in theory—like a fluffy Insta quote—but in practice? HARD. Especially when your mind wants to rehash every detail of the past like it’s a crime scene investigation.

Concept of Us: We found what worked for us was having three recoveries in our marriage: mine, his, and then ours. This allowed us to focus on ourselves, and it gave me the time I needed to heal from my trauma before trying to repair the relationship immediately.

Check-in Conversations: It can be challenging to talk to each other as we navigate recovery and healing. A check-in conversation can help make things go more smoothly.

Emotions Jar: I wrote down what I needed to release, then literally put it in a jar. Did it fix everything instantly? Nope. But the act of getting it out of my brain and onto paper helps.

Journaling: Sometimes, the only way to let go of something is to write it out until you’re too tired to argue with yourself anymore.

Meet It, Greet It, Transform It: Raise your hand if you struggle with negative thoughts and emotions. You are not alone. This exercise can help you move through them. Acknowledge the thought or emotion’s presence. After you’ve acknowledged the thought, Greet it. Give it a name. Is it fear, insecurity, rejection, loneliness, jealousy? Is it a trigger, like a place, situation, or person? Then, allow yourself to move through the thought or emotion and process it. Finally, you’ll Transform It. You’ll do this by changing your mind to something you’re grateful for. An attitude of gratitude creates new, positive pathways for our brains to follow.

Anger Wasn’t the Real Emotion

I was so angry. All the time. At the most minor things. Leave a glass on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. I’d be pissed off. After talking to my counselor, she made me realize I was angry at myself. (I highly recommend counseling!)

It turns out I had my own guilt to deal with, too. I wasn’t present for my kids the way I should’ve been. I let anger run the show. And while I didn’t cause the addiction, I did let it shape my reactions in ways that weren’t always healthy. Acknowledging and honoring my emotions (without excusing his actions) helped me stop wasting energy on what I couldn’t change and focus on what I could.

Defining Sobriety (For You and Your Partner)

An important part of healing is remembering that we can’t control someone else’s sobriety, only our response to it. I’ll be the first to admit that when my husband was going through his struggle, initially, I was not as compassionate as I should’ve been because of betrayal trauma. It took time to wrap my head around everything and realize that I had to give him the grace I would anyone else struggling with any other addiction. But that’s a story for another day.

I bring this up because I had to understand he was the only one who could define his bottom lines. I couldn’t get inside his mind and make those decisions for him. I would’ve loved the opportunity then, but it wasn’t my place.

It was my choice whether to accept his bottom lines or not. The same holds true for his recovery. He can define it however he wants; I'm free to leave if I don’t like it.

Does that sound harsh? Probably. Does it sound like a couple working together as a team? Probably not. Although we were a team, we were learning boundaries, which is why we used check-in conversations and the Concept of us.

Both people need to be actively healing if you're in a relationship. Otherwise, you’re just spinning in circles. And frankly, I don’t have the energy for that anymore. You need to do what works best for you.

Prioritizing Physical Health (Or, at Least, Dusting Off the Treadmill)

Recovery is a full-body experience—your mind, heart, and, yes, even your neglected gym membership. Taking care of yourself physically is part of rebuilding self-worth. Do I love exercise? No. But do I feel better when I move my body instead of treating it like a neglected houseplant? Absolutely.

Finding Your People (Because Isolation Sucks)

If addiction is fueled by shame, then recovery is fueled by connection. And I don’t mean just any connection—some online spaces can be cesspools of negativity. I needed people who got it. Who didn’t judge. Who didn’t roll their eyes when I admitted the crazy things I did to survive my partner’s addiction. Or worse…encourage it.

I started with 12 steps and counseling, then attended support groups. From there, I moved on and attended non-secular meetings. All of them reminded me that I wasn’t alone. Healing happens faster when you stop trying to white-knuckle it in the dark.

Kicking Shame to the Curb (One Step at a Time)

Even after all my work, shame still lingered like the smell of hard-boiled eggs. The only way to shake it was to get brutally honest—with myself, my therapist, my journal. I had to dig deep and accept that my past choices didn’t define my future.

And honestly? Once I made peace with my mess, I could finally laugh at parts of it. Like the time I tried to control my partner’s recovery like a micromanaging boss. Spoiler: It did not work. But at least now, I can see it for what it was—fear trying to disguise itself as control.

Grieving the Losses (Because, Yes, There Are Losses)

The hardest part of recovery? Realizing how much time I lost—time spent obsessing over my partner’s addiction, snooping, spiraling, living in constant anxiety. Time I can’t get back with my kids. Time I can’t rewind.

But instead of beating myself up, I had to grieve it. To sit with the loss, then move forward. Because if I keep looking back, I’ll miss the good that’s ahead of me. And honestly? There’s too much life left to live to stay stuck in the past.

Final Thoughts: Healing is Messy (But Worth It)

If you’re in recovery—whether from addiction, betrayal, or just the emotional chaos that comes with it—know this: You’re not broken. You’re healing. And healing is messy, but it’s also beautiful.

Keep going. Keep laughing when you can. Keep writing if that helps. And for the love of all things holy—no more hypervigilance. You deserve peace, not another downward spiral. What’s one small step you can take today toward healing?

If you have any questions about relational trauma, feel free to reach out. I love hearing from readers and supporting their journeys. Just a heads up: I respond to all emails except from solicitors.

Look for the worksheet accompanying this post. If you want access to exclusive worksheets that aren’t on my website, sign up for my newsletter!

Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura

P.S. If you reach out, please be patient. I’m no longer a life coach due to health issues, but I’m still here to cheer you on.