I experienced betrayal trauma during the disclosure of my husband's pornography addiction and everything that came with it. Thankfully, with hard work from both of us, I've healed, and he has been sober for over a decade.

When most people hear the term betrayal trauma, they think of a breach of trust in a marriage. But betrayal trauma can happen in many relationships—partnerships, families, friendships, even workplaces—anywhere trust has been deeply established.

This trauma may stem from dishonesty, infidelity, or breaches of trust, whether emotional, psychological, or even physical. If you've experienced these, my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that healing is possible, and there are different approaches to guide you on your journey.

Whether you're quitting drugs, alcohol, pornography, shopping, gambling, or another unhealthy behavior, knowing the first steps to take can help lay a solid foundation for your recovery. In this post, I’ll guide you through essential first steps, tools for your recovery toolkit, and tips for navigating relationships and setbacks.

The holidays are right around the corner—like days away. For some of us, holidays are a great opportunity to connect with loved ones, whether family, friends, or both. For others, it means navigating being around people and situations that trigger us. We need to learn ways to handle those triggers so we don't have anxiety that may lead us to a setback in our recovery or healing.

I'm about to sound old, but "back in my day," the approach to recovery was limited. We either went to rehab, AA, jail or died. Or we could do what I did and quit cold turkey, but as I've said a million times before, I don't recommend that approach. 

Thankfully, the days of old are long gone. We've learned so much about our amazingly ever-adapting, malleable brains. Yay, science! Now, there are so many approaches to recoveries to choose from. It's up to you to figure out which one is right for you. My only recommendation is that you don't do it alone. I tried to recover and heal alone, and that was a terrible mistake. Whichever path you choose, please find a Sobriety Circle to surround yourself with.

How often have you read here about how important it is to practice self-care and have tools while on your journey of recovery and healing? It would be helpful to have it in one place. I'll update it as I think of more, so keep checking back!

I love the topic of boundaries. It's right up there with having an attitude of gratitude and self-care. Creating healthy boundaries is a crucial form of self-care, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. After the disclosure of my husband’s addiction, I realized just how much I misunderstood boundaries. I thought I was setting limits, but really, I was trying to control an uncontrollable situation, which made us both miserable. Through my own recovery journey, I learned that boundaries are about emotional security, not control. Here’s what helped me create healthy boundaries with compassion and respect.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight.” Paula falls in love with Gregory and they get married. Soon after, he starts to show pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to her insanity. In one scene, he messes with the gas light in the attic, which makes the house lights grow dim. When she mentions hearing some footsteps in the attic, and then the lights dimming, he says she’s imagining everything. This makes her second guess herself. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly screws with your head making you second-guess yourself.

I was Paula. It didn’t happen to me overnight. It evolved over time, like so many other things in my marriage. My brain slowly got twisted in knots. It was such a bizarre feeling. I went from being this self-assured, (mostly) confident woman to someone who questioned herself about the craziest things.

One of the first things I lost during my husband’s active addiction was the ability to trust my instincts. Instincts are there to help us make quick decisions and keep us safe. Many of us know that feeling: walking alone in a parking lot, spotting someone suspicious, and getting that “strange feeling.” Maybe it’s a pit in your stomach, chills on your arms, or a voice in your head saying “something’s off.” That’s your brain sending an SOS, warning you to be cautious.