Addiction & Healing: Managing Triggers When You’re Angry
Anger is one of those emotions that can hit like a freight train. It can barrel towards you fast and overwhelmingly. For those in addiction recovery—and for the people who love them—anger can be more than just a bad mood. It can be a trigger, a dangerous pull toward old coping mechanisms that promise relief but come with a cost.
What do you do when anger flares up? How do you keep it from dragging you down a path you’ve worked so hard to leave behind? That’s what we’re talking about today: real, practical ways to manage anger and its triggers, whether you're in recovery or supporting someone who is.
Identify the Real Trigger
Anger often isn’t just about the thing that sets it off. It’s about what’s underneath. Ask yourself:
Am I feeling unheard, disrespected, or powerless?
Is this anger covering up fear, sadness, or shame?
Does this situation remind me of past hurts?
Understanding the anger iceberg theory, developed by the Gottman Institute, may help identify the real trigger. The Theory illustrates how anger is often just the visible part of a deeper emotional experience. Like an iceberg, where only the tip is seen above the surface, anger is what we outwardly express, but underneath, typically more vulnerable emotions drive it.
Bonus points: Picture an iceberg: only a small portion is visible above water, while a much larger section remains hidden beneath the surface. Okay, fine, I gave you one to look at.
Underneath anger, people may feel:
Hurt (feeling rejected, abandoned, or betrayed)
Fear (worrying about losing control, failure, or uncertainty)
Shame (feeling unworthy, embarrassed, or guilty)
Sadness (grieving a loss, feeling lonely, or hopeless)
Frustration (feeling powerless or unheard)
Disappointment (expectations not being met)
For people in addiction recovery and healing, anger can be a major trigger for relapse. If they only focus on the anger itself, they may miss the underlying emotional pain that needs healing. By exploring the deeper emotions beneath their anger, they can address their real needs, communicate more effectively, and develop healthier coping strategies.
How to Use the Anger Iceberg in Recovery & Relationships:
1. Pause & Identify – When anger arises, ask: “What else am I feeling?”
2. Communicate Vulnerably – Instead of saying, “I’m angry,” try, “I feel hurt because…”
3. Healthy Coping Strategies – Use journaling, mindfulness, or therapy to process deeper emotions.
When you can name the actual trigger, you have a better shot at dealing with it healthily than letting it run the show.
Recognizing the deeper emotions behind anger can help us react more thoughtfully. Here’s a personal example of when I didn’t realize what was really going on. A long time ago, I slipped on water on the floor and landed right on my ass and elbow. It hurt, but not that much. I burst into tears. All my kids came running over, “Mom, mom! Are you okay?” I just sat on the floor sobbing, then snapped, “Why is there water on the floor?!” By then, they were already wiping it up while trying to console me with confused looks. Because I was obviously OK. I was up and walking around…just crying. A lot. It lasted about two minutes before I calmed down and apologized for snapping at them.
The real reason I was crying was that my oldest was leaving the nest in a few days, and I hadn’t faced it yet. I didn’t realize that until I reflected on my day that evening.
The 90-Second Rule
Here’s some good news: The chemical reaction of anger in your brain lasts about 90 seconds. After that, it’s your thoughts that keep it going.
When you feel that rush of heat or tension, don’t react right away. Instead:
Take a deep breath and count to 90.
Step away from the situation if you can.
Remind yourself, this feeling will pass if I don’t feed it.
You can remember this parable:
The Story of the Two Wolves
An old Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me,” he told the young boy, “A fight between two wolves. One is evil, full of anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity, and false pride. The other is good, full of joy, peace, love, humility, kindness, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you, grandson…and inside of every other person on the face of this earth.”
The grandson ponders this momentarily and then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”
The old man smiled and said, “The one you feed.”
I love this parable because it can be applied to so many different situations in our lives, like this one. What will you feed: anger and chaos or happiness and calm?
Give yourself space to let the intensity settle before deciding what to do next. Can you think of some steps you can take today to make this happen?
Create an “Emergency Exit” Plan
Triggers don’t wait for a convenient moment to show up, so it helps to have a plan for when they do.
For those in recovery: Keep a list of healthy coping strategies on your phone. Maybe it’s reaching out to your Sobriety Circle, walking, using your go-bag, or blasting your favorite song. Have an “emergency exit” when cravings or anger start pushing you toward relapse.
For loved ones: Reaching out to your Healing Hive, using your go-bag, journaling, practicing self-care, and taking a step back. If an argument escalates, say, “I need a few minutes to cool off, but I want to keep talking when we’re both calm.” You don’t have to engage in every battle.
What is something you can add to your emergency kit and go-bag today?
Move Your Body
Anger creates energy in your body—it wants to come out somehow. Instead of letting it explode or fester, move it out in a healthy way:
Go for a run, hit a punching bag, or do some push-ups.
Take a fast-paced walk while focusing on deep breaths.
Shake it out—literally. Put on music and move however feels right.
Do jumping some jacks
Clean
Dance
Do some laps around your house
Getting physical can help reset your nervous system and bring you back to a place where you can think clearly. My new favorite movement is playing Jolly Ball with my dogs. I’m not sure who gets more tired, me or them.
Rewrite the Story in Your Head
Anger often comes from the meaning we attach to a situation. If someone doesn’t include you, your mind might be: They don’t care about me. If your partner brings up something from the past, you might hear: They’ll never trust me.
Pause and ask: What else could be true? Maybe it was a family-only event. Maybe they’re scared too. Maybe this isn’t about me at all.
Reframing the story can help soften the anger and bring more understanding into the moment.
Can you think of an example when reframing would’ve helped you?
Use the Power of a Delayed Reaction
One of the best things you can do when anger hits is… nothing. At least, not right away.
If you’re tempted to send an angry text, respond to an argument, or make a big decision in the heat of the moment, wait. Give yourself time—whether that’s 10 minutes or 24 hours—to cool down. More often than not, you’ll handle things better when you’re not in full fight-or-flight mode.
I also want to add that I did this with my marriage. My first instinct was to cut and run after disclosure. But after talking to my husband’s C-SAT and my counselor, I decided to wait. They advised that because I was in no immediate danger and had not been abused, this would be a good opportunity to work on my healing and my recovery while he worked on his and take the word divorce out of our conversations. This is when we developed The Concept of Us.
Find Healthy Ways to Express It
Anger isn’t bad. It’s information. It’s energy. The key is learning how to express it in a way that doesn’t lead to harm—either to yourself or others.
Journal it out: Write down everything you’re feeling, unfiltered. You don’t have to be nice. Just get it out.
Talk to someone you trust: Vent to a friend, therapist, support group, Sobriety Circle, or Healing Hive. Sometimes, just saying it out loud helps release its grip. If none of these options are available, talk to your pet. If you don’t have a pet, talk to a plant…or yourself in the mirror. Get. It. Out.
Channel it into something creative: Paint, play music, build something, blog, podcast—let the energy turn into something meaningful.
Remember What You’re Fighting For
If you’re in recovery, anger can feel like a setup for relapse. But remember: You’ve worked too hard to let a temporary emotion take that away.
If you’re a loved one, anger can feel like a wall between you and the person you care about. But remember: You’re on the same team, even when it’s hard.
The goal is to turn toward each other, not away from each other, so the more tools we can utilize in our toolkit to help us manage our anger, the better our chances of successful communication in our relationship will be.
Before reacting, pause and ask: Will this choice bring me closer to the life I want… or push me further from it?
Anger doesn’t have to be the enemy. It can be a guide, a teacher, or even a tool—if you learn how to handle it instead of letting it handle you.
Breathe. Step back. Choose wisely. You’ve got this.
What helps you manage anger without letting it take over? Share your thoughts in the comments below! If you have any questions about managing anger, feel free to reach out. I love hearing from readers and supporting their journey. Just a heads up: I respond to all emails except solicitor emails.
Want access to exclusive worksheets that aren’t on my website? Sign up for my newsletter!
Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura
P.S. If you reach out, please be patient. I’m no longer a life coach due to health issues, but I’m still here to cheer you on.
