Addiction & Healing: Taking Control of Your Thoughts and Emotions
This may be a hard pill to swallow…no one can make us feel anything.
Ever had someone ignore your kindness when you held the door open for them, and suddenly, your blood pressure is through the roof? Or maybe your boss gave you that “Are you serious?” look during a meeting, and you spent the rest of the day convinced you’re one typo away from unemployment.
We’ve all been there, convinced that other people’s actions made us mad, sad, or just plain bananas. But, and This may be a hard pill to swallow…no one can make us feel anything. Not even that jerk who didn’t say, “Thank you.” (Yeah, I know. I don’t like it either.)
Wait… So I’m Doing This to Myself?
Yes, but before you start beating yourself up (or getting mad at me), take a moment. The truth is that our feelings are born from our thoughts, and our thoughts are shaped by our core beliefs. These are deeply-rooted ideas we’ve been carrying around since childhood—things like “Everyone is out to get me,” “I have to be perfect,” or my personal favorite, “I’m not enough.”
These core beliefs are like a little puppeteer pulling the strings behind the scenes. When someone gives you a funny look, and your brain translates it to “They think I’m worthless,” it’s not the look making you feel that way; it’s your core belief that you’re not good enough.
And here’s the kicker: these core beliefs? They’re usually garbage. Just because you’ve thought something your whole life doesn’t make it true.
The Blame Game: It’s Easier, But It Doesn’t Help
We love to blame other people for our feelings because it’s easier than taking responsibility. “He made me so mad!” or “She ruined my day!” lets us off the hook. But the downside is, it gives other people all the power over our emotions. It’s like handing them the remote control to our feelings. I don’t know about you, but I love my remote control.
In recovery, giving other people that kind of power is dangerous. It can trigger urges, self-doubt, and even setbacks. But when you take responsibility for your own feelings, you take back your power. You realize that no matter what happens around you, you get to decide how you respond.
While I was healing from betrayal trauma, there was one person I had a hard time healing from. She lived rent-free in my head. Her words echoed in my brain, sometimes ping-ponging uncontrollably. I had to serve her an eviction notice and remove her power over me. It was so damn freeing! Do you have anyone that needs to be evicted from your mind?
Common Culprits Behind Negative Thoughts
Most of our negative thoughts can be traced back to a few core beliefs:
I’m not good enough.
I’m unlovable.
I don’t deserve good things.
I’m powerless.
The world is unsafe.
Do any of these resonate with you? It’s okay if they do. We’re going to work on getting your power back. These beliefs are usually formed in childhood by our FOO. They are influenced by experiences with parents, teachers, peers, or traumatic events. Maybe you were constantly criticized, or maybe you were compared to others who seemed “better” than you. These experiences plant seeds that grow into deeply rooted beliefs.
My mom told me I was a “selfish bitch” who would “accomplish nothing.” That became my core belief. If you want, you can take a moment to reflect on what your core beliefs are about yourself.
Now that you have spotted them, you can start rewriting the script and regain your power.
Negative Thought Patterns: Meet Your Inner Saboteur
These core beliefs give rise to negative thought patterns, also known as cognitive distortions. Some of the most common ones include:
Black-and-White Thinking: Seeing things as all good or all bad, with no middle ground. (“I messed up, so I’m a complete failure.”) I had zero gray thinking. It was all or nothing with me. It took time in recovery and healing before I could recognize not everything was absolute. What about you?
Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario. (“I was late once, now my boss will definitely fire me.”) I was able to check off this box too. I made a mistake at work = I won’t have a job by the end of the day.
Mind Reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking without any evidence. (“She didn’t text back right away. She must be mad at me.”) *SIGH* I did this too. Especially with texting. It didn’t occur to me that they might be busy. Do you ever catch yourself mind reading? How accurate do you think you usually are?
Personalization: Taking everything personally, even when it’s not about you. (“They’re in a bad mood; I must have done something wrong.”) Yikes on bikes! This hits home for me. What about you? How many times have I asked, “Are you mad at me?” or “Did I do something to upset you?” When if I did, that person has the ability to let me know, or if that person is upset about something else, they can share it with me, or I can simply ask, “Is everything okay?”
These distorted thoughts aren’t just inaccurate—they’re exhausting. They keep you stuck in a cycle of negativity and self-doubt. Our goal is to move toward the positive and have tools in our recovery toolkit, so let’s start gathering them.
How to Take Back Control
You don’t have to meditate on a mountaintop to take control of your thoughts and feelings. (Unless you want to!) Here are some down-to-earth ways to start:
Catch the Thought
The next time you feel yourself getting worked up, hit the pause button. Ask yourself: “What exactly am I thinking right now?” It might be something like, “That person thinks I’m stupid,” or “I’ll never get my life together.” Write it down if you have to—there’s something about seeing it on paper that makes it less powerful. And yes, I mean actually writing it this time. No typing.
Challenge the Thought
Just because you think it doesn’t make it true. Challenge that negative thought like a lawyer grilling a shady witness and Put the Thought on Trial:
Is this fact or opinion?
What evidence do I have that this is true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Would I say this to my best friend?
Spoiler alert: Most of the time, the thought is just an opinion and not a very nice one at that. This worksheet can help.
Replace the Thought
Once you’ve poked enough holes in that negative thought, replace it with something that feels more realistic.
Instead of “I’m not good enough,” try “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
Instead of “Everyone is out to get me,” try “Not everyone’s actions are about me.”
Instead of “I’ll never get my life together,” try “I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay.” (I think of myself as a constant work in progress.)
What’s one you can come up with?
Feel the Feelings (But Don’t Set Up Camp There)
Feelings aren’t bad—they’re just signals from our brains. Let yourself feel them without judgment. Angry? Punch a pillow. Sad? Cry it out. Frustrated? Go for a run. The goal isn’t to avoid feelings but to process them in a healthy way, without letting them take over your life. If you’re not sure how to move through your emotions, this worksheet can help.
Get to the Core
If you notice the same negative thoughts popping up again and again, dig a little deeper. What core belief is feeding that thought? If it’s “I’m not good enough,” where did that come from? Who taught you that? Is it your voice or someone else’s? Once you figure that out, you can start challenging that core belief too.
Optional Exercise
It's funny, not LOL funny, but funny, that I didn’t realize the voice that was feeding my core belief was my mom’s. I thought it was mine until I started exploring emotional sobriety. Then I learned an exercise that helped me and maybe it can help you too:
Acknowledge its presence: Breathe in and notice where you feel it. (Chest, belly, neck)
Write: Take a moment to write out the words or phrases it says to you.
Talk to it (either out loud or in your mind): Be kind to it. I know we want to yell and scream at it, but it’s there to help us learn about ourselves.
Ask it what it wants: What is its purpose for you? Believe it or not, it showed up because, in its own warped way, it thinks it’s protecting you from getting out of your comfort zone, protecting you from “failing” and experiencing “uncomfortableness.”
Reflect: What do you think it’s trying to teach you – even in its warped way?
I was able to learn that I feared success. I was so scared that I limited my opportunities. It’s a fear that I’m still working on. I’d love to know your results if you try this.
You may be wondering why we do this exercise. I wondered the same thing. It helps us with acceptance. If we can accept that we have the same negative thoughts or voices chiming in, we can take action and do something about it.
If you did this exercise, you may need a moment to pause and that’s okay. Give yourself grace. It can get pretty intense. Sometimes our feelings need a timeout.
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
This isn’t a one-and-done deal. You’ll have to practice catching, challenging, and replacing your thoughts over and over again. Think of it like going to the mental gym. The more you do it, the stronger your mindset muscles will get.
Why This Matters
If you’re in recovery and healing, you already know how powerful thoughts and feelings can be. They can trigger urges, fuel self-doubt, and make you feel like giving up. But when you learn to take control of your thoughts, you take back your power. You stop giving other people (and old beliefs) the keys to your emotions. So, when you evict them, you can lock the door behind them.
Ready to Take Action?
Changing the way you think isn’t easy, but it’s possible—and it’s worth it. To help you get started, I’ve put together a worksheet to guide you through the process of catching, challenging, and replacing your negative thoughts.
This worksheet isn’t just about recognizing negative thoughts—it’s about breaking free from them. So grab a pen, get honest with yourself, and remember: You’re not a victim of your thoughts. You’re the boss.
If you have any questions about taking control of your thoughts and emotions, feel free to reach out—I love hearing from readers and supporting your journey. Just a heads up: I respond to all emails, except from solicitors. I just deleted one today…I see you wrapwhatever!
Want access to exclusive worksheets that aren’t on my website? Sign up for my newsletter!
Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura
P.S. If you reach out, please be patient. I’m no longer a life coach due to health issues, but I’m still here to cheer you on.
