H.E.A.L Check-In Conversation; Communicate In A Healthy Way

Ah, communication. That magical word that’s supposed to fix everything. Yet, somehow, it’s the very thing that makes us want to tear our hair out when we’re arguing about who left the wet towel on the floor… again. Add recovery from addiction into the mix, and suddenly that wet towel represents everything wrong in the universe. Good times, right?

If you’re in recovery, you already know that communication is crucial. If you’re the loved one of someone in recovery, you know how important communication is for healing—not just for them but for you, too. But when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, talking about feelings and needs can feel like trying to perform brain surgery while wearing oven mitts.

Why Communication Is Harder in Recovery

First, let’s state the obvious: Recovery changes things. Not just for the person in recovery but for their loved ones, too. Suddenly, the ways you both used to cope with stress might be off the table, and you’re left with this thing called “talking it out.” Yikes (on bikes).

I don’t know about you guys, but the deeper my husband got into his addiction, the worse our communication got. Instead of turning toward each other, we turned away. And we know where that led him…to chat rooms and lunch dates. Yay us! (She says it with only a hint of sarcasm.)

Here are some common roadblocks couples face when one partner is in recovery:

Trust Issues: Maybe trust was broken during active addiction. The loved one might be wary, while the person in recovery may struggle with guilt and/or shame. This can create a communication barrier where one person is constantly on the defensive, and the other is always suspicious. I fell into the trap of hypervigilance.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. We were right there. I’ll never forget my husband asking me why I would stay with someone I couldn’t trust. A very valid question. I told him that just because I didn’t trust him at that moment didn’t mean I’d never trust him again.

Here we are over a decade later, and while I can’t get to 100% because the trauma was so damaging, I’m at 98%, which is much better than zero percent. I could do that because my husband was open, honest, transparent, and remorseful. He was also willing to do whatever it took to recover and learn how to communicate. And, because after a year of trying to do it alone (and being on an unhealthy forum), I found a healthy support system.

Do you struggle with guilt, shame, or trust? Do you have a Sobriety Circle or Healing Hive? If not, what can you do today to create one?

Emotional Rollercoasters: Recovery is a wild ride. One day, the person in recovery might feel on top of the world, and the next, they’re questioning their self-worth. The loved one, meanwhile, might feel hopeful one moment and exhausted the next. Navigating these highs and lows without taking them out on each other? Not easy.

I’ve said before how much I love rollercoasters. When the kids lived at home, we had season passes to the nearby amusement park. But getting on the latest and greatest upside-down rollercoaster was a lot different than being on an emotional one.

We had to learn how to cope with extreme highs and lows without using the unhealthy communication skills we’d developed over the years. We had become skilled stone masons building walls between each other. Sound familiar?

Thankfully, the bricks came down the more vulnerable we were with one other. We grew closer when we shared the naked truths, even the scary things.

Exercise Opportunity: Share something vulnerable with your loved one.

Avoidance and Defensiveness: If someone is used to numbing emotions, talking about them might feel like diving into shark-infested waters. On the flip side, loved ones may avoid specific conversations out of fear of triggering stress or relapse. Either way, dodging tough talks only makes things worse.

Both of us were guilty of avoidance and defensiveness. We were masters of shoving things down as a way of not dealing with it, then when things got to be too much, we’d take them out on one another by being passive aggressive or using low blows on another. You don’t have to raise your voice to cut someone down and hurt them.

Do you shove your emotions down or avoid conversations? Or say things you wish you didn’t?

I’m unsure how we got to where we hurt one another. Neither of us was like that when we got married. I think fear and hurt drove me, and shame and guilt drove him. It was the easiest way to shut down any conversation we didn’t want to have at that moment. Say something that will hurt the other: BAM, the conversation is over. Hurt people, hurt people.

Thank God that didn’t last long. If it did, I would’ve left. It was all so new, and we were hurting so much without enough coping skills to understand how to communicate our hurt and my trauma effectively. This is where I stress to those going through betrayal trauma: please get support – counseling – and don’t go it alone!

Exercise Opportunity: What coping skill can you use to communicate with your loved one?

Unrealistic Expectations: Sometimes, loved ones expect that once recovery begins, everything will return to “normal.” Spoiler alert: Recovery creates a new normal. Adjusting to that takes time, patience, and a whole lot of grace.

This was totally me. When my husband really started digging into his recovery with his C-SAT, group, and meetings, I thought, “Oh my gosh! Everything is going to be perfect now!” When, in fact, the opposite happened. Because shit got real for him, he was peeling back the layers of the onion.

Much like I had been doing in my own recovery and healing, those first few months, he was having setbacks before things settled down for him, and he found coping skills that worked. Shout out to Candeo and Fortify for giving him the tools he needed.

One of the best things my husband said to me was, “I’m sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it better?” and he meant it. Then he would sit and listen. Really listen. He wouldn’t interrupt or get defensive, even when his addiction triggered the source of my anger. This helped me feel understood and less isolated, and scared.

He also stood up for himself, as he should have. He once said, “I understand you’re hurt, but I won’t be berated. I need to pause this conversation until you’re not so upset.” Oh my gosh, I was pissed. But he was right.

We were both learning to communicate effectively and respectfully. This happens over time as recovery and healing progress, so pack your patience. For a few months after disclosure, we didn’t have any healthy boundaries, so it took us time to communicate in a healthy way.

What are your expectations and boundaries?

Different Communication Styles: Maybe the person in recovery tends to shut down and stew, while their partner is the “let’s talk this to death” type. Different communication styles can make conflict resolution feel impossible—unless you find a way to bridge the gap.

I’m the “I need to talk about this right now!” Picture Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. “I want it now!” While my husband needs to ponder over things, like the statue of David the Thinker. We had to learn how each of us processed our emotions and thoughts before we could communicate properly.

What’s your communication style?

The Importance of Effective Communication

Here’s the deal: Healthy communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, but when one (or both) of you is in recovery, it’s not just important—it’s survival. Without it, resentment builds, misunderstandings grow, and you’re arguing about how someone breathes before you know it.

Good communication isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about learning to navigate it without destroying each other in the process. It’s about creating a safe space where both people feel heard, valued, and respected—even when things get messy.

We have rules when it comes to disagreements. There’s absolutely no name-calling. I’m the one who broke it on the day of my second disclosure. I called him one bad name that day. Even he thinks it was justified. We also don’t yell. We both come from moms who screamed at us, and that’s just not our jam. We also agreed to time-outs. If things are getting heated, we can hit the pause button and return to it later or the next day. But we have to come back to it. We also promise not to get into circular arguments. We did that so much in the past. It is the same with past arguments as a way of diverting from the current topic. These rules have helped us a lot.

Do you have rules for your disagreements? If not, would you like them?

How to Communicate Without Losing Your Mind (or Your Relationship)

So, how do you communicate effectively when emotions are high, and trust might be shaky? Here are some strategies to help both of you feel seen and heard without escalating into a Netflix-worthy drama.

Check Your Baggage at the Door

Knowing how to communicate correctly with your partner begins with understanding each other. One of the best tools my husband and I had was our check-in conversations: HEAL:

H Honesty: Everyone shares openly and honestly about their recovery and healing. HALT: You can also share triggers if everyone wants to hear about them. The partner may not want to know about them because hearing them may be triggering. Humbleness: The tone of the conversation needs to be humble, calm, and a safe space to share freely.

E Emotions will be shared next. Avoid basic emotions like happy, mad, sad, and dig deeper like resentful, hurt, frustrated, scared, etc. If you need help, you use an emotions wheel.

A Apologies: Now is the perfect opportunity to apologize if you've done something wrong. Action steps: Share what action steps you want, such as attending a support group, meeting, or counseling. Affirm your partner, "I appreciate how much work you've done on your recovery this week."

L Letting go: What are some things you've been hanging onto that you can work on letting go of? Listening: Ensure you're practicing active listening as you listen to each other. There should be no distractions, which means cell phones should be on silent, with no interruptions. Maintain eye contact and practice empathy. If you're new to healthy communication, it may help to repeat or rephrase what your partner says to make sure you understand what they said. For example, "So you're saying you felt left out when that happened?" 

These check-in conversations can be done once or twice a week, more if the loved one is feeling insecure, and should only last about fifteen to thirty minutes. I recommend not using your bedroom. It should be a neutral area free from distractions. Let this be your time for a judgment-free connection.

Does a check-in conversation seem like something you can benefit from? If so…check out below:

Exercise Opportunity: Try a check-in conversation after you do the below exercise:

Before diving into a check-in conversation or any serious conversation, do a quick emotional check-in. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? (HALT, anyone?) Address those needs first, or you’re more likely to snap or misinterpret each other’s words. Here are some other helpful tips:

Use “I” Statements Like a Pro

There’s a huge difference between “You never listen to me” and “I feel unheard when we talk.” The first is an accusation. The second is an invitation to understand your feelings.

Exercise Opportunity: Practice rephrasing complaints into “I” statements using this template: “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. I need [what you need].”

Active Listening (No, Not Just Waiting to Talk)

Active listening means genuinely trying to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree. It means no interrupting, no planning your rebuttal in your head, and no eye-rolling.

I’m soooo guilty of forming my answer in my head before my husband was finished speaking. Then, when I had conquered that and was so proud, my counselor said, “You have something else to work on.” I was like, “What? I listen, I don’t interrupt, I don’t say anything!” and she said, “You may not say anything, but your face screams.” She was 100% correct. My face did scream.

Is there anything you need to work on?

Exercise Opportunity: After your partner shares their feelings, repeat what you heard: “So what I’m hearing is…” This allows them to clarify and helps you fully understand their perspective.

Changing the way communicate isn’t easy, but it’s possible—and it’s worth it. Remember to be gentle with yourself and your loved one. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

 Be on the lookout for a bonus workbook on communicating in a healthy way by using HEAL.

If you have any questions about communication or anything else, feel free to reach out. I love hearing from readers and supporting their journeys. Just a heads up: I respond to all emails except from solicitors. I just deleted one today!

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Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura

Also, if you reach out, please be patient. Due to health issues, I’m no longer a life coach, but I’m still here to cheer you on.