Relational Trauma: The Possible Effects of Loving an Addict

Ever find yourself Googling "How to recover from someone else’s addiction" at 2 a.m. while eating handfuls of Goldfish? Yeah, me too. I didn’t quite give up the Goldfish, but I did give up the Googling. Eventually.

Today we're talking about hypervigilance, the emotions you may experience as the loved one of an addict, and the early signs of relational trauma. This is the second one in the series. You can find the first part here.

This post isn’t just for the loved ones though, it can help those struggling understand what their partners are experiencing as they are supporting you.

Get ready for some fantastic tools exercises, and gentle reminders that your healing matters too. And of course, my usual touch of snark…because I know I needed to laugh during those challenging moments, and I’m sure you do too.

For some of us, loving someone with an addiction can become its own kind of addiction. The need to control, fix, and manage everything can take over. I didn’t realize it at first, but I became addicted to my husband’s addiction. I remember telling someone that who was going through the same thing with her husband, and she said, “That’s it! That’s exactly how I feel!”

I watched my husband’s every move, questioned his interactions with his sponsor, and obsessed over his recovery. It wasn’t about trust—it was about control. I was desperate to catch him doing something wrong, and when I didn’t, I felt disappointed. That moment of clarity hit hard: I wasn’t just watching him; I was shifting my own addictive behaviors onto him. Yikes on bikes! I was on a slippery slope in my recovery and didn’t even know it. Where’s my Frog in the Water parable?

After disclosure, if you looked up hypervigilance, you would’ve seen my face right there next to the definition, because I ticked off every box. And with each passing day, it seemed to get worse. But don’t worry, if you can relate, there’s hope.

Afterall, that’s what this place is all about: hope! So, let’s start with ways on navigating your way through this journey. And if you’re the partner of the person struggling, whether you choose to leave or stay, these tips can still help you.

Ways Loved Ones Can Navigate

·       Identify Your Own Patterns: Notice if you’re fixating on their recovery instead of your own well-being. f you’re wondering what I did that would’ve earned my picture next to the definition of hypervigilance, here are just a few: watched the clock (was he at his meeting/counseling/work/etc.) yet? Used the primary bathroom instead of the hallway bathroom to see if he was really working and not looking at pornography. Created a fake social media account so I could look up the people he contacted, then repeatedly looked at their pictures. Before all was said and done, I knew way too much about them. That’s just a few things.

o   Exercise Opportunity: Ask yourself what you’ve done today for your healing and your recovery? Did you do anything for their recovery? If so, take a look at deeper look at that and remind yourself, you’re not responsible for anyone’s healing and recovery except your own.

·       Set Healthy Boundaries: Define what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t—then stick to it. Healthy being the key word here. My mistake was because I was coming from a place of fear, my initial boundaries were controlling. An example of healthy boundaries are: I need honesty about recovery, I need us to have open and honest check-in conversations, I’m not comfortable with secret accounts, emails, etc.

o   Exercise Opportunity: What is an example of a healthy boundary you can create today? What other boundaries would you to have in place? Is there anything stopping you?

·       Seek Support: Join a support group. Your counselor may offer one or you can attend meetings like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or S-Anon to connect with others who understand. The platform we used, Fortify, had great support groups. Just please don’t do what I did. I isolated for too long after attending a meeting I didn’t resonate with, then surrounded myself with unhealthy people. It did so much damage to my wellbeing. I needed to around uplifting people. It didn’t matter if they were leaving their partner or staying. If they weren’t bashing their partner, I was grateful to be there.

o   Exercise Opportunity: Write down your go-to people. Note who makes up your Healing Hive. Do you think you need a counselor or life coach? What can you do today to take steps to get a healthy support system in place?

·       Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you peace and fulfillment. These can be things like reading, yoga, art, dancing (hello Quest!), gardening, etc. Make sure you’re doing those things without guilt. Of course, I had to force myself to do them. I was, once again, looking at the clock whenever I was supposed to be relaxing. If you’re familiar with the show Veep, there’s a part when a character, Amy, is supposed to destress. She goes to a spa for like seven minutes and claims she’s “cured.” That was me for a while. What about you?

o   Exercise Opportunity: What brings you peace and fulfillment? Do you make time in your day or week to fit that in for yourself? If not, how can you make that possible?

·       Journaling Exercise: Write about your emotions without judgment. Ask yourself, "What do I need to heal today?" If that doesn’t resonate with you, then set a timer for five minutes and write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t worry if doesn’t make sense. Just get the clutter out. It’s called brainstorming, but I call it word vomiting. If you need help, you use these journaling prompts.

Do any of these tips sound like they’d work for you? Is there one that you can start today? If so, what’s one step you can take today to make it possible?

In the next post, we’ll dive into the emotional rollercoaster of loving someone through addiction and how to begin healing from relational trauma. If you have any questions about relational trauma, feel free to reach out. I love hearing from readers and supporting your journey. You're not alone in this—healing is possible, and you’re already doing the brave work just by reading this.

Want inspiring messages and access to exclusive worksheets that aren’t on my website? Sign up for my newsletter!

Sending positive vibes your way,
Laura