Emotional Sobriety: The Secret to Long-Lasting Recovery

When I first got sober, I thought not using coke was all I needed to do. BAM! Problem solved! Right? Right? Yeah, not so much.

Life kept happening. Money problems, kids driving me bananas, stress at school and at home, and then there was this habit I had of getting into relationships with people who needed to be in recovery…but didn’t.

And don’t get me started on shoving down the memories trauma and abuse I’d gone through. First through childhood, then relational trauma after disclosure.

That’s where emotional sobriety comes into the picture. The lesser-known, but equally important partner of physical sobriety. And today, we’re taking a closer look.

What Is Emotional Sobriety?

Emotional sobriety means you’re not white-knuckling your way through recovery; you’re learning to feel your feelings. All of them: the good, the bad, and the average, without letting them hijack your brain.

It’s the ability to:

• Regulate your emotions without numbing out.

• Handle stress, conflict, disappointment, and other similar emotions without a meltdown.

• Stay calm, confident, and peaceful, no matter what chaos swirls around you.

To put it simply: physical sobriety is putting down your DOC. Emotional sobriety is putting down the drama.

It’s about being okay even when things aren’t okay.

Do you need to work on your emotional sobriety?

Why Is Emotional Sobriety Important?

Life doesn’t magically become rainbows and puppies just because we stopped using. We wished it worked that way, don’t we?

Without emotional sobriety, we risk:

• Replacing substances with unhealthy behaviors (Hello unhealthy relationships and binge-shopping on Amazon. Confession: I did both.)

• Burning bridges in recovery because we’re emotionally unregulated. No one wants to be around someone who’s snapping at them for no apparent reason.

• Feeling constantly “on edge,” “off,” or “meh.” All of which are a risky “cocktail” for relapse. (Remind you of HALT/BLAST, the precursors to a slippery slope and also some of the easiest triggers to manage).

Emotional sobriety doesn’t mean you don’t experience your emotions, like sadness, jealousy, or fear. It means you can feel those things without them bring your day to a complete stop.

What’s an unhealthy behavior you’d like stop? Even if it’s not an addiction.

What Does Emotional Sobriety Look Like?

Let’s break it down with some real life examples:

You get triggered and you don’t spiral.

Example: Your mom says, “You were happier when you were drinking,” and instead of slamming the phone down and rage-cleaning, you take a breath, say, “That hurt,” and go journal it out like a grown-ass recovering person. Because that’s what you are, and you’re amazing!

You feel a feeling and you let yourself feel it.

Example: You’re lonely on a Friday night and instead of numbing out with Netflix and box of Oreos (no judgment, we’ve all been there), you connect with someone in your Recovery Circle and say, “Hey, I’m struggling.” BAM: connection over compulsion.

You set a boundary and you don’t apologize for it.

Example: Your friend wants to meet at a bar for their birthday, and you say, “I love you, but I can’t go to a bar. Let’s grab dinner next week instead.” No excuses, no guilt, and no temptations “just to be polite.”

How Do You Maintain Emotional Sobriety?

It’s not a one-and-done deal, my Superstars. Emotional sobriety is like your abs. If you want them to look like a washboard, you’ve got to work on them. (And sadly, Goldfish on the couch don’t count as crunches.)

Here are some ways others have found useful to build and maintain emotional sobriety:

Feel Your Feelings Without Judgment

Yeah, that sounds like a social media quote, but it’s true. Plus, I saw it on Dr. Phil, so it must be real. Emotional sobriety means you don’t push down feelings or blow them up to size of the Verrazzano Bridge, in NYC (my favorite bridge in all the land!).

So, what do you do with the feelings? You notice, name, and move through them:

Exercise Opportunity: The “Name It to Tame It” Drill

Pause when you feel triggered.

Ask: “What am I feeling?” (Use the Emotions Wheel if “ugh” is your only emotional vocabulary word or you’re drawing a blank.)

Write it down or say it out loud: “I’m feeling ___ because ___.”

Remind yourself: “Feelings aren’t facts. They’re messengers.”

Example: “I’m feeling rejected because my friend canceled plans. It doesn’t mean I’m unlovable. It just means something came up.”

Practice Radical Self-Compassion

Emotional sobriety requires grace. You’re going to screw it up. You’re going to overreact. But you’ll get. One day you’ll cry at “Mac Finds His Pride” and still watch it on repeat. And that’s awesome! Emotions are complex and beautiful. Embrace them.

Exercise Tool: The “Best Friend Voice” Hack

When your inner critic starts yelling, “You’re a mess,” ask: “Would I talk to my best friend this way?”

Rewrite the message using your best friend voice: “Hey, you’re doing your best. Let’s pause and try again tomorrow.”

Bonus: Talk to yourself like you talk to a puppy or kitten. Instant softness. Try it.

(Bonus Bonus: WWC fans if you said “Instant softness” in Carl’s voice from Summer House).

Set Boundaries

Emotional sobriety isn’t about avoiding hard stuff. It’s about honoring your limits.

Exercise Opportunity: The “Hell Yes or Hell No” Filter

When a request comes your way, ask: “Is this a hell yes?”

If it’s not? It’s a no. Or a “not right now.”

Pro Tip: Boundaries don’t need explanations or 14-paragraph justifications. “That doesn’t work for me,” is a complete sentence. And yes, you can say it with a smile. Also, “No.” is a complete sentence. Just sayin’.

Cultivate Connection

Isolation is emotional sobriety’s worst enemy. We need people. Not perfect people, just safe ones.

Exercise Opportunity: The “Reach Out Before You Freak Out” Challenge

Pick 2-3 people in your Support Circle.

Text or call one person each day for a week, even if you don’t “need” to.

Share something real, like: “I’m good today, just checking in,” or “I’m struggling and could use a voice that isn’t mine in my head.”

Embrace “Both/And” Thinking

Black-and-white thinking is a classic recovery trap. Emotional sobriety asks us to live in the gray. I didn’t like the thought of gray at all. It felt vague and uncomfortable, but it was something I had to get used to. Eventually, I did, and you will too.

Example: “I love my family and they drive me bananas.” “I’m grateful to be sober and I’m angry today.” “I’m healing and I still have work to do.”

Exercise Tool: The “Sticky Note of Duality”

Write down one “both/and” truth and stick it on your mirror. Remind yourself daily that you can be a work in progress and a whole human at the same time.

Final Thoughts: Emotional Sobriety Is the Bees Knees (yeah, I said “bees knees”)

If you’ve ever seen someone with years of sobriety but the emotional range of a kindergartener, well, you get it. Time clean doesn’t guarantee emotional intelligence. But working on your emotional sobriety? That’s the shit.

It’s not glamorous. But it’s powerful as hell. And for us folks in recovery? That’s the revolution.

Emotional sobriety is saying:

• “I can sit with this.”

• “I can move through this without running.”

• “I don’t need to escape my life; I can actually live it.”

Bonus: Journal Prompt Time:

Write about a moment this week when you felt emotionally sober. What helped you stay grounded? What threw you off balance? What can you try next time?

Got a story about emotional sobriety? Or a time you absolutely didn’t have it and learned something the hard (or hilarious) way? Drop it in the comments or email me. I love hearing from you more than I love my Goldfish, and that’s saying something.

Keep feeling your feelings (and breathing through the mess).

Sending positive vibes your way,

Laura